Monday, July 16, 2012

In the wake of a huge tragedy I am left speechless and awed by the strength and grace of people. Dear friends of mine have lost their twins only a month before they were supposed to be here with all of us, who were eagerly awaiting them. And now there is an empty room with the door tightly shut, and beloved friends, both of them, with a haunted look behind their quiet faces. I'm devastated for them, every time I think of them my eyes fill and as a mother I have wept every other day for the terrible pain of it, the gigantic, unimaginable pain of it all. I'm the sort of person who tries to do the things people don't think about when they are otherwise in distress- bring a pot of something to eat, babysit, stand fiercely in doorways and not let anyone in. What can I do, what can I do? I wish I could start a group for parents who have lost a child, a place for them to talk and interact and just not feel so alone. How can I say, with my two precious babygirls, how sorry I am? How can I ever relate to their enormous, lifelong sense of absence except in my imagination, putting myself in their shoes for a chilling moment? I can't. It wouldn't make any sense to them and I don't want to be one of those people who appropriate other people's feelings, even with the best intention. I have, for the first time, really thought about my beloved older phuppi, who had two stillbirths in a row. How brave she is, to try again, how huge and horrible it must have been to hold two chubby, beautiful sons in her arms, babies she had carried and felt kick and talked to, only to leave too soon. How she probably, obviously still misses them. I would. And to spend your life never speaking of it, like they did forty years ago and still do. To not be able to verbalize your love and honour the life you grew. Even to speak and remember requires so much courage. This post is for all of you, and I know at least a handful. To you brave, amazing parents who have endured, survived and still see the good and the light. I salute you with all the respect I have.

Mina at 9:08 PM