Friday, June 17, 2005

if everyone thinks they can come dance on my head whenever the fuck hell they want, from the cat to almost everyone i know well, you got another thing coming, thankyouverymuch. because i'm cheerful and control my temper does not mean you aren't pissing the fuck hell out of me every time i put myself in your shoes and try to understand where you're coming from. if i keep looking for the good, trying to figure out why you do what you do while i really should just blast you and have done with it, that does not give anyone the license to play doormat with me.

why do people only take you seriously after you've insulted them, or shouted at them? what the hell's wrong with all of you?! good things don't happen to good people because everyone's too busy trying to take advantage of the good people because the good people are the ones who aren't mean to you even though you're being the annoyingst fuckface on the planet because they are the proponents of the silver lining and love and faith and all the other prettypretty things nobody believes in any more, like truth and beauty and goodness and dignity and really listening to what people are saying and going the extra mile for a loved one. noooo. sub ulloo seedha karlein apna and buss! that's all there is to it, as long as some poor fucker like me is around to take your bullshit all the damn time because 'do unto others' you know, the world is great. you have your cake and eat it too, until the poor fucker loses her temper and boots your ass through the door until you stop talking through it. gawd. what a piss-off. it isn't like we have n number of lives to live keh we can be so content with living this one like an ignorant animal savage. You'd think we'd aspire to be bigger and better and higher in the mind and soul, and then you could say you really lived.

"Others are brave out of ignorance, and, when they begin to think, they begin to fear. But the man who can most truly be accounted brave is he who best knows the meaning of what is sweet in life and what is terrible, and then goes out undeterred to meet what is to come." - Pericles' funeral oration for the dead of the first year of the Peloponnesian War.
That's the kind of brave I want to be. That's the kind of brave we all should be, otherwise we live the way we do now- petty and foolish and most of all, so self-absorbed that you cease to notice the people around you. If you were a hermit crab that'd be okay but you aren't, and when you stop giving your own little life so much importance you might realise how much there is to do with yourself, how many hills to climb, places to explore. No wonder everyone's miserable all the time, we all live in fear. The sunshine is harder to face than the dark so everyone lives there all the time, whingeing and whining about how crappy their lives are and how they have to have the job and the career and the degree and hai hai it's so IMPORTANT i will DIE if i don't have a cushy, successful life! what're you going to do once you've got it all? eat the house? have the degree tattooed on your arse? crappy life, crappy life, my head will explode if i hear it one more time- OF COURSE YOUR LIFE IS CRAPPY! YOU'RE SPENDING IT ON BEING A BETTER FUCKER! you're looking at shadows on the cave wall all the time, no wonder you're so confused, turn the hell around and make your own shadows! walk through the fire! you know something is wrong with your life but you don't know what it is, so i'm telling you what it is: you are stuck in the goo of being mundane. you are stuck in the mire of fear, in the stinking pit of self-pity. you are ordinary and you don't like it, and you're ordinary because your priorities are ordinary ones. if you're selfish, then why aren't you happy? aren't you getting everything you want? sounds just about right, doesn't it? anything glimmer in your head? ah! surprise! life is not just about you, it's about getting past you and climbing into us. them. life is bigger than you and me, and 'tis such a damned shame we spend it scratching away in the dirt with a stick like chickens instead of trying to fly. icarus fell into the sea, but he got the closest to the sun than any of us did. we're all standing on the ground laughing at the poor stupid sod who was such an idiot, trying to get to the sun. what would we know, we've never felt that kind of freedom of spirit, that courage. we're too busy being glad we didn't fall into the sea because we have so much to do with our lives, woo hoo! let's go buy a really big telly now!

the bottom line is that if you're a shitty human being, chalo that's okay. everyone's shitty in varying degrees, if you weren't you'd be a prophet or a saint. but if you don't give a flying rat's ass about being shitty, you might as well jump off a cliff because you're an utterly useless appendage to humanity. i honestly think Allah did not intend for humans to be the cowardly selfish scum that we are, 1 lakh 24 thousand prophets is not a joke, and i'm not even counting all of philosophy. you cannot and should not allow yourself to be a fucker. the fact of your life is much bigger than your puny little self. realise it and be proud. do your life the honour it deserves.

and i am not your nauker, if i'm nice to you it's probably more because i am trying to be a good person, and less because you're an extra-special superduper example of humanity. everyone wants to be a princess/prince but everyone's forgotten that royalty got respect yeah because they were powerful and rich but also because they acted like royalty. nawab ki aulad weren't allowed to be fuckers and that's what made them special, a cut above all the common horde. i have got to be better, braver, trust myself, know what i want and get it, but with grace and dignity. live with respect and kindness and the best principles i know. live, and live well. be a good friend, sibling, child, lover, the best i can be so i can wake up every day and be glad, and thankful, and proud of what is truly worthy of pride, not the shallow accolades of this silly little world. and now i'm really really late for european history, so g'bye, and be well. and if you read all of this, i lift my hat to you :)

Mina at 10:03 AM

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