Wednesday, February 16, 2005

i have discovered the reason why falling asleep on amma on the couch is a) so easy and b) always a so much better kind of sleep.
one thing is that the positioning is perfect. just exactly right: my head, my leg, my arm fit seamlessly into her side. i think it's instinctive; i know how to attach myself against her without having to squirm or push or scoddle around. click. sit, snuggle, fit. even my glasses don't poke her, 'tis so whipsy-smooth. the second thing is her breathing. in, out, in, out- it's a rhythmic, soothing metronome, something to latch a subconscious self on. like waves on a beach, a dull roar you can send your breath back and forth upon. and then there're the obvious things: the way she smells, how she is just squishy enough, the sound her laugh makes inside her skin, how she doesn't ask a plethora of annoying questions when i don't feel like talking, how she lets me poke her and bite her and squeeze her arms hard enough for to prove to myself she is real and notleaving and also to sort of leave my print on her. mine. love is not a gentle little lullaby, love is a bite that leaves a purple tooth-mark and a slight ringingsinging somewhere behind your ribs. it's a good feeling to know i have someone i can impose myself upon forever- one person who will always be home for me, who will remember, who will let me bite and pull ugly faces and burrow into her, one person who will never tell me that she's too busy, that she doesn't have time, that she's in a hurry, that she isn't interested or doesn't care. i am always special, always loved, always safe. amma is the one place where i can truly belong.

Mina at 9:29 AM